Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Bon Temps Bugle -- Monday, June 26, 2011 Front Page

THE BON TEMPS BUGLE                              
 Monday, June 26, 2011

Missing Stackhouse mysteriously returns
By Madeline Castille, editor-in-chief

Yesterday long-time resident of Bon Temps, Miss Sookie Stackhouse, mysteriously returned to her family homestead.  When Miss Stackhouse returned home, she found workers were restoring the farmhouse at the request of AIK, the real estate company that purchased the property when her brother placed it for sell, thinking the worst after the flyers around town and full-page ad in last October's Bugle failed to turn up any information on Miss Stackhouse's whereabouts.  During this search Mr. Stackhouse had said, "She's not the type to skip off without telling no one." 

Workers called the sheriff's department when Miss Stackhouse refused to vacate the premises. Her brother, Deputy Jason Stackhouse was first on the scene and astonished to find his sister alive and well.  Sheriff Andy Bellefluer arrived shortly after and was irrate, since over the course of this year countless precious county resources were spent locating Miss Stackhouse's assumed remains.  When interviewed, Sheriff Bellefleur re-iterated his frustation when he said, "We spent man hours looking for her. We dragged the lake."  Frustration further ensued when Bon Temps only vampire resident William "Bill" Compton arrived. He revealed that Miss Stackhouse was sent off by him on a confidential vampire business for the entire year, and "too many human lives would be at risk if he did not keep it a secret".  Sheriff Bellefleur was enraged that Mr. Compton never revealed this information during the entire missing person's investigation. Countless Renard Parish dollars were unnecessarily spent searching for Miss Stackhouse.  

Miss Stackhouse has failed to comment on where she was or what she was doing over the course of this year she was presumed dead.  This begs the questions -- what was this secret vampire mission Miss Stackhouse was on, and why could she not even call her family and friends to communicate her safety? This re-iterates the fact that sometimes you don't know your neighbors as well as you think, even in a small town, because apparently Miss Stackhouse is "the type to skip off without telling no one".

Retractions

The Bon Temps Bugle and the Renard Parish Sheriff's Department would like to humbly apologize to Bon Temps resident Mr. William Compton.  He was mistakenly accused of the murder of Miss Sookie Stackhouse over this past year and featured in various articles insinuating this guilt.  Mr. William Compton is a well-respected resident of this community and has been cleared of all suspicion and charges upon the safe return of Miss Sookie Stackhouse.  We thank him for his patience and understanding and apologize for any inconvenience as a result of these allegations.  

No comments:

Post a Comment